just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
