I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
