Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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