I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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