I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
