so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
