My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
