he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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