I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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