i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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