Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
false alarm, still single
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
