My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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