who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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