Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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