I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
