Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
