Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
