So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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