I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
