just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
