I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
