Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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