i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
