I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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