I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
