I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
