So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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