at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Four minutes until I can fart!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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