I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
