i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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