I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
