You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
