I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
