hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
