so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I met the friendliest cop last night
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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