What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
