Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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