I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize