That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
