he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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