i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
