barbara walters just said penis...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
