I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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