don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
