so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
