the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
