I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
