TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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