I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
