Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
