I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
