The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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