I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
