your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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