Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
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