i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
