I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
