why didn't you poke me back
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
