you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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